


Worthless As They Say, Lovely As He Says

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Dan and Phil World Tour 2018: Interactive Introverts, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Live Shows (Phandom), M/M, References to Depression, Sad Dan Howell, online hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-14
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:07:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24520558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: After finding out they can't have their Mexican leg of the tour, both Dan and Phil are greatly disappointed, but Dan especially. He's annoyed at himself because they'd planned for the Mexican shows and no matter how hard they fought, it couldn't happen.Luckily Phil's there to give him cuddles and let him know he's enough.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Kudos: 5





	Worthless As They Say, Lovely As He Says

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Online hate (bullying), Swearing, References to depression, References to past self-harm.

"There's nothing that can be done, mate," Rich, the BBC producer that was working with them (and their team) to create the  _ Interactive Introverts _ film, sighed.

"But-but we had the venue!" Dan argued, stress and anger getting to him. He felt Phil lightly touch his back, the gesture calming him a little.

"I know, but we can't do anything from here. Not only did the place pull out but there is some problem with your visa's that we can't do anything about. It just can't happen, I'm sorry."

"It has to! We promised people we'd go there for the tour! People have bought tickets, they've been waiting for over a year! We can't just turn around and tell them it's not happening!"

"Dan, it's okay, they'll understand," Phil said, trying to calm him boyfriend down, knowing how much pressure he put on himself. Usually, he was more of a physical comfort guy but in the public building, they couldn't risk it. They knew their fans wouldn't care, that most would be ecstatic, but Dan didn't see the need for the world to know about them and Phil agreed.

"No, it’s not, Phil!" Dan snapped, his head spinning to glare at his boyfriend before his expression softened into a small apologetic smile. Phil smiled back, letting Dan know that it was okay, that he understood.

“Dan, Phil,” Rich said slowly, “I’m sorry, but there is nothing we can do. We’ve tried everything, I promise you.”

“It-It’s okay, Rich. We’re just a little disappointed is all, is it okay if we head home early? I think we need a rest.”

“Of course, I’ll keep in contact. Have a break, I’m sorry again.”

“It’s not your fault, thanks, Rich. I’ll email you later but contact me if you need anything.” After Rich left the room to go off to whatever job he had to do next, Dan broke.

“Ph-Phil, they’ll hate us!” he cried, stepping over and cuddling into the older man’s chest, desperate for the human contact.

“No, they won’t, Love. I promise they’ll understand. Let’s get out of here, yeah?” Dan nodded and they exited the building, Dan’s weight mostly on Phil as they walked. Phil hailed a cab and handled the talking, telling the man their day was okay when he asked and returning the question. The cabbie was kind and seemed to understand neither man were particularly keen for a chat and drove them in silence, collecting his pay at the end before wishing them a good rest of their day and driving off.

“Come on, Love, there you go,” Phil coaxed, helping Dan through the doorway and up the stairs as tears blurred his boyfriend’s vision. “Why don’t you go get changed into something a little more comfortable?” Dan nodded, tears still staining his cheeks but walking back through the familiar flat to his and Phil’s bedroom.

He pulled the skinny jeans off his legs with mild difficulty and pulled his potato-sack jumper over his head, shivering as he stood in just his boxers. He quickly put on a plain nightshirt and Phil’s emoji pyjama pants along with his York University hoodie that Dan always wore on his not-so-good days.

He tangled a hand in his hair, tugging it lightly before combing his fingers through the styled curls.

“Dan?” he heard his boyfriend call from somewhere in the house. Dan opened the door, seeing Phil with his glasses perched on his nose and a cup of tea in his hand. Dan smiled at him. “I made some tea, your favourite,” he said quietly, the apartment silent aside from their breathing.

Dan collected the tea from Phil’s hands, taking a sip and humming at the warmth that filled his body after a morning in the cold November air. “Thanks,” he mumbled, giving Phil a little kiss on his cheek before padding through to the lounge, taking a seat with his feet curled up underneath him.

“Do you want some biscuits?” Phil offered, placing a plate full of different cookies on the coffee table in front of them.

Dan hummed again, placing his mug on the table and picking up one of the sugar cookies.

“Come here,” Phil whispered to Dan, opening his arms so Dan could lie within his grasp. Dan complied mutely, shuffling closer to Phil and leaning against his chest.

“ _ Food Wars _ or  _ Yuri On Ice _ ? Or something else, I don’t mind,” Phil suggested, already holding the remote to turn the tv on.

“The gays,” Dan answered quietly, and so Phil flicked through their Crunchyroll queue until they found the show, pressing play on the first episode so they could rewatch it from the start.

They spent the afternoon cuddled on the couch,  _ Yuri On Ice _ playing on the TV, tea and biscuits long gone but replaced with more by Phil.

After binge-watching the whole show - which only took four hours mind you - Dan was feeling much better. Phil had changed into PJs too, but with his black-and-purple-stripes jumper over the top.

Phil suggested doing a live show to update the viewers on general life-things but they both knew the elephant in the room would probably be brought up at some point.

And they were right; not even ten minutes into the show were they asked about TBC dates. Dan avoided looking at the chat the whole time, too scared of the hatred he’d find there. Instead, he explained with Phil’s help and let Phil read some of the actual questions allowed.

After the initial shock and disappointment, everyone seemed to be more on the happy side of things, glad for the unexpected live-show. It wasn’t until Dan posted the news on Twitter that everything took a turn for the worse.

_ ‘Fuck you for getting our hopes up!’ _

_ ‘I thought you actually cared about your fans, man was I wrong’ _

_ ‘so disappointing, thanks for nothing losers’ _

_ ‘Sorry doesn’t fix anything assholes’ _

It wasn’t like there were no nice comments. For every mean one there were ten nice people defending them, saying  _ ‘it’s not their fault dickhead’ _ or  _ ‘they tried as hard (haha XD) as they could’ _ . But that’s not what Dan was focussing on. No. He simply saw the comments complaining, telling him how it was his fault, or that they should have tried harder or not said anything. He saw the hatred, thrown in with the not-so-occasional sass about his uploading. A common one was to reference his diss track where he said ‘if you want to watch four videos a year’. So yeah, maybe Dan shouldn’t have read the replies, and maybe he shouldn’t have locked himself in his room before doing so, and maybe he should answer Phil’s called from outside the door. But did he do any of this? No, of course not, because that’d make life too fucking easy and depression didn’t work like that. Being told you’re shit hurts to anyone, but being shouted it by thousands on top of your own mind, well, that’s a whole new level of shit.

Dan lay still in bed, not wanting to do anything. Eventually, he heard the sound of his door opening, Phil holding the spare key in his hand.

“Dan?” Phil whispered, his voice sounding afraid.

“Yeah?” Dan whispered back in an equally quiet voice.

“You didn’t do anything, did you? I saw the comments and, Love, they don’t know anything.” Phil stepped closer to the bed and reached out his hand towards Dan but didn’t make contact.

“N-no, I didn’t, I promise I didn’t, Phil. Just- why do they have to say things like that? Of course, we care about them! And it’s not like we did this on purpose! And I don’t owe them any videos in a year, they should be grateful for four!” Dan said, starting to shout as he worked himself up.

“I know, Love, I know. They don’t understand, Love. They’re just hurt they can’t come to see the tour, but they’ll calm down. Did you read any of the comments replying to those messages? All the people defending you, defending us, saying we tried and tried, and are so disappointed that we can’t go? Those people know things, they know the truth, Love, and so do we.” During his speech, Phil had climbed into the bed with Dan, cuddling him close after turning the bedside lamp on.

“But-but-” Dan tried to argue, another sob stopping him along with Phil’s whispers of ‘shh’ and ‘I’ve got you’.

“Danny, my love, tell me, is this about what the fans said, or are you beating yourself up in here?” he said, kissing Dan’s forehead.

“Both, everything. Fuck, why can’t I just be more useful and actually do something? I’m as worthless as they said.”

“Don’t you ever say that about yourself, Daniel. Do you know how much I love you and all of the fans do too? Just ‘cause they’re angry now doesn’t mean they don’t still love you and support you. They’re your fans for a reason, Dan. And don’t say you’re useless either. Did you forget we did over eighty shows this year? You can hardly say that’s not ‘doing something’. I hate hearing you put yourself down, Love. Why can’t you see how lovely you are?”

Dan smiled at him, kissing him to stop his adorable rambling. “Thank you, Phil.”

“You’re welcome, Dan. Let’s get some sleep, we both need a good snooze after such a long day.”

**Author's Note:**

> What did you think? I'm always up for constructive criticism and any tips for improving my writing.


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